Tables ANd Chairs
by Jack M. Kaiser
Summary: Daniel's thoughtless action leads to a very embarrassing moment for Jack.


**Tables And Chairs**

**Summary: **An unthinking act by Daniel leads to a very embarrassing experience for Jack.

**Timeframe: **Any

**Category:** Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Humor

**Characters/Pairings:** Jack/Sam, Daniel/Janet

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Jack's potty mouth, mentions of sensitive areas of the male anatomy, very brief nudity

**Disclaimer: I won nothing pertaining to Stargate SG-1, I only whump them.**

**Author's note:** This was a writing prompt challenge from my evil brain twin and Jack whump buddy not_a_zatarc!

He hated going to the doctor anyway, but this was going to be downright embarrassing! Jack lay on the hard wooden deck, his legs bent at the knee and a pool of blood forming under his backside. The urge to strangle Daniel overrode the pain that he was in as he lay there waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

It all started at five o'clock that evening when the members of SG-1 gathered at Jack's house for team night. They had a week of down time after a hard mission and they were all too tired to go out. So they decided to gather at Jack's house for a cookout. After they ate Jack got up to get another two liter of soda. When he came back out to the deck, he filled everyone's glasses. He listened to Daniel try to explain a magazine advertisement to Teal'c as he walked over to sit back down, so he didn't notice that Daniel had sat his glass on Jack's seat until it was too late. The glass shattered when he sat down causing to jump up and let out a howl of pain. Sam dropped her glass and ran to his aid, yelling at Daniel to run into the house and call 911.

A few minutes later the high pitch screech of the sirens could be heard coming down the street while Daniel knelt beside Jack's head bumbling out an apology. Jack could just imagine his neighbors lining the street for the show and the ensuing gossip that would later run rampant. Jack's face burned with humiliation when he heard Sam explain what happened to the paramedics when they arrived with a gurney in tow. Before he knew, he was laying on his side on top of the gurney in the ambulance. Sam sat by his side and gently rubbed his hand just above the damned IV.

When they arrived at the Academy Hospital, Sam was ushered into the waiting room while Jack's stretcher was pushed into an exam room. Just as the last of Jack's clothes were removed and his legs were put into these stirrup type things, Dr. Janet Fraiser walked into the room. Jack couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped his lips seeing her. Not that he was glad that she would be picking glass and sewing up wounds in his private areas; but he preferred it be her than some strange doctor.

"Hey, Doc." Jack said sheepishly, his face winced in pain. He watched her read over the notes that the paramedics and nurses had made.

"Colonel O'Neill. Can you tell me what happened?" Janet inquired setting to work examining him.

"Your boyfriend decided to use my seat as a table and I sat on his glass." Jack responded a bit bitterly.

Janet didn't quite know how to respond to that one, so she laid the clipboard on a nearby trolley then took a position between Jack's legs. A quiet gasp escaped her mouth when her eyes caught sight of the damage to Jack's lower region. She belted out a few orders for supplies and directions to the Emergency Room team then turned her attention to the prone man.

"Jack I'm going to give you an epidural so I can remove the glass and not cause you any more pain. I want you to just relax, okay?"

"You try getting your ass and family jewels shredded with glass then a huge needle in your back then see how much you could relax!" Jack shot back angrily and quickly regretted it when a hurt look appeared on Janet's face. "Sorry, Doc. It kinda hurts."

"I know, Colonel. We'll get you taken care of." Janet comforted and gave him a gentle pat on the knee.

Jack bit his lip in pain when they rolled him onto his side and injected the medication into his spinal canal. Within minutes he felt the blessed relief of numbness spread from his waist all the way down to his toes, closing his eyes to savor the absence of the burning pain. He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew Janet was telling him that they were all done and that he would be taken to a room after they got a gown on him. With sleepy he eyes he looked over at the wall clock and noticed that it was near midnight, it had taken Janet over two hours to 'fix' him up.

The next afternoon, Jack was lying in bed with his legs spread and propped on pillows, staring at the TV set hanging on the wall. He saw Sam entered his room cautiously from the corner of his eye. He knew he could be the most cantankerous man on the planet when he was injured and this situation was bound to make it worse. So, he decided to put on his best angry act so no one would think he'd gone soft. Okay, bad choice of words.

"Hey, Sir. How are you?" Sam asked in a tight, but cheerful voice then leaned down to give him a kiss.

"Carter. I'm in a hospital wearing a diaper and I have more stitches in my ass and scrotum than all the baseballs in the Major League. How do you think I feel?" Jack shot back in his best angry tone, but the slight blush to his cheeks betrayed his anger.

"Jack, it was an accident."

"I know, Hon." Jack confessed giving up on his angry bear act. "Where is the Space Monkey?"

"At home. He's afraid to come and see you. He said that he did enough damage."

Jack looked abashed as he picked at his hospital ID bracelet, the IV line in his hand trailing like a snake when he moved his arm. He hadn't meant to be grouchy with Daniel, but for cryin' out loud he was in pain.

"Tell him I wanna see him."

"Sure. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"A beer?"

"I don't think so, Colonel." A stern voice answered from the doorway.

"Hey, Doc!" Jack put a good effort into his innocent greeting.

"Colonel. Sam." Janet replied nonchalantly as she made her way over to the bed.

"I'm going to go now. See you later, Sir. Bye Janet." Sam said then beat a hasty retreat.

"Whatever happened to standing by your man?" Jack grumbled.

Janet chuckled as she sat Jack's chart on his over the bed table. "Let's see how you're doing today, Colonel."

Jack scooted down a bit, bracing himself for the physical and mental pain. "Listen, Doc, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted last night."

"Think nothing of it. You were in pain." Janet replied while she pulled Jack's gown and blanket out of the way. She gently started to remove the bandages, careful not to cause him anymore pain or bump the catheter. Jack flinched when Janet rubbed the sterile solution over the wounds and started to rebandage them.

"How long do I gotta wear the diaper?"

"Just a few more days. I want to protect those wounds from infection."

"Is everything- ya know- okay down there?" Jack asked coyly.

"Yes, Jack, everything is fine down there. There was no major damage."

"So, when can I go home?"

"Next week."

"Next week?"

"Yes. Jack. Next week."

"Napoleonic power monger."

"You want to make it two weeks?" Janet asked sternly, though the grin gave her away.

"No." Jack grumped with his arms crossed across his chest. He looked like a little boy that got into hot water with his mother.

"Jack, I know that you don't like being here. But, despite the fact that there was no major damage, you still suffered trauma to a very sensitive and vascular area. If they were to split open or become infected serious problems would occur."

"Thanks, Doc."

"Anytime, Jack." Janet said with a smile then gave Jack a pat on the arm before she turned to leave. "I'll see ya later."

"Doc?" Jack got her attention and when she turned to him, he continued in a subdued voice. "Can ya talk to Daniel for me. Tell him I'm sorry and that I wanna see him. I was kinda rough on him last night when this happened."

"I'll get him to come with me later."

Jack smiled and nodded at the doctor then watched sadly as she left. He flipped the TV back on and scrolled through the channels until he found something in the meager selection that was semi-interesting. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep.

Jack picked at what the hospital had called food, periodically glancing at the door to his room. He wanted to see Daniel so he could apologize. He didn't have to wait long until Janet entered with a timid Daniel clinging tightly to her hand.

"Doc! Danny! Come on in. Ya hungry?"

"I think you are supposed to eat that, Colonel." Janet responded.

"Is that what I'm supposed to do with it? I thought that it was to build a floatation device in case of flooding."

Janet burst out laughing and Daniel even had to giggle at that one.

"I'll leave you two alone to talk while I go make my rounds. Eat your dinner, Colonel, or I'll arrange for your extended stay along with an enema." Janet said with her best glare, but the evil grin on her lips gave her away.

After Janet left, Daniel nervously made his way over to Jack's bedside and sat down in the chair.

"How are you doing?" He asked in a mousy voice.

"Daniel, I'm fine. I'm sorry that I treated you the way I did and for saying what I did."

"You aren't the one who should be sorry, Jack. I shouldn't have sat my glass on your chair. Or I should have paid more attention and moved it before you sat down. But, no. I was sitting there blabbering off at the mouth like some know it all. Now here it is, you're in the hospital and hurt. All because of me!" Daniel blabbered on, his voice hitching with emotion.

"Feel better?" Jack asked as he handed Daniel a tissue.

"No." Daniel accepted the tissue then wiped his nose and eyes.

"Daniel, it was an accident. I'm fine. I'll live. Doc said that my sausage and eggs are fine and that all pertinent orifices are intact and functioning."

Daniel looked up and opened his mouth as if to say something, but all he could do was sit there stunned for a few seconds then busted out laughing. When he settled down a little, Daniel stood and gave Jack a brotherly hug then sat back down.

"Thanks, Jack."

"Daniel, we're friends and nothing is going to change that."

"Right. At least let me treat you to a steak dinner at O'Malley's when you get out."

"Sounds good, Danny Boy. But, I got one condition."

"What's that?"

"Ya keep your glass on the table at all times."

Both men laughed.

"I think I'll stick to plastic cups." Daniel said with a grin when he sobered up from laughing. "Hey, Jack. Ya wanna go horseback riding?"

"Daniel!"

**The End**


End file.
